Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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