i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
