jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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