honey bunches of taint.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
