My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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