I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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