just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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