My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
