Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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