You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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