I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
