Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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