sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
