I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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