I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
