So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
