He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
