Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
