He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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