May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize