Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
