Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
