if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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