Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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