he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Randomize
