We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
