dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
