i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
