we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
