I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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