there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the day after is always just damage control
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
