My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
