break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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