Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize