i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
