I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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