I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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