new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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