Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
