Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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