Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
