sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
