i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
