im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
