I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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