fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
