did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
