You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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