apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
