the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize