well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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