I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
