wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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